my husband’s a slob – what should I do?

I get asked strange things here – this is one of the latest and at first I thought it was a joke. And then it gradually became clear this was a serious question.

The first question on my part is – what does slob mean? Does it mean he dresses badly? Eat badly? Smell badly? He’s untidy? He’s a klutz? What? What kind of slob is your man?

The second question is – has he always been like this? If so, if it annoys you so much, why did you marry him? Did you thing you were going to change him? Reality check – has he changed you? If so, how and why, and if not, you and your bizarre change people fantasies…word to the wise – don’t buy in to those psychobabble things.

So, let’s have a look:
My husband’s a slob [subtitles: My husband dresses badly]
Okey dokey, face up to it. Most men aren’t into buying clothes. Trust me, it’s a pretty uninspiring activity for a guy. You go into these pokey cupboards, and get your gear off. There’s nowhere to hang your clothes, rarely a chair to put clothes on. There’s nowhere to sit to take your shoes off. Actually, note to self – there’s a market gap for a menswear where the experience is more positive. Oh yeah, the other thing is, you get your gear off, get the new stuff on – it doesn’t work so now what – call the squidgy bint who’s 17 and knows you’re a old fart for more gear? Worse, the squidy guy who’s 17 and wants to measure your inside leg when you’re there to buy a tie? Um, yeah.

Speaking of ties. The people who select the fabric for the ties should be forced to wear them in public.

So, your husband doesn’t dress well? Go for the pincer movement – no, not THERE, that’s not going to get the result you want. Quietly dispose of the clothing you don’t like and replace it with what you do like. Hide it in the back corner of the drawer. It’ll gradually surface, and in the absence of anything else to wear, he’ll wear it. In general men will wear something subdued. When they divert from that they’ll hate it. So, even if flares and paisley comes back, just don’t. Hint, if Sean Connery wouldn’t wear it neither should your man.

The next thing is he looks more like threadbear than teddybear. Ok – sure – grooming is a battle for guys too. Go nuts and get out a darning needle. Buy 15 – 20 pairs of identical (black) socks. Stich a dot of colour into the toes of each sock. Now, quietly go through the sock drawer and dump the evil unmatched socks. In a year’s time repeat. Throw out the odd and socks with holes. Replace with this year’s colour. Wash, rinse, repeat.

There’s a pattern here – you buy it, dump the scungy stuff, you mould him into the fashion god you desire. Easy.

My husband’s a slob [Subtitle: he eats badly].
Well, partly get over it. Serve food that’s not sloppy. Go to eating houses where piggy activity is ok. Tell him, ‘Cedric, when you eat noisily I feel ill, please eat quietly’. He’ll wonder who the hell Cedric is and you’re on the way to success.

My husband’s a slob [Subtitle: he smells bad].
Why did you marry a man who smells bad? Ok, go check out some new aftershaves. They do go off. After about a year they start to go rancid. I used to have one that improved – some of the essential oils get better with age – frankincense, sandalwood, patchouli, and cedarwood get better. Others don’t. If your man is using an aftershave the kids gave him last century, it’s time it was used as a toilet refresher.

If he smells bad because he hasn’t bathed in the last 20 days, well, it’s not the aftershave thing, it’s the dead and dying bacteria thing. Get tongs, pick him up, and drop him in a solution of water and soap. Wash, rinse, repeat. Bad breath? Dental expertise. Important – bad teeth can lead to infections, dangerous because the brain is usually quite nearby. If you’re thinking he does all his thinking in an area somewhat distant from his teeth then all the more reason…

My husband’s a slob [Subtitle: he’s untidy].
If this means he’s untidy with his own stuff, simply give him space – like a garage, den, office – call it what you will, and let him get on with it. Close the door and get over it. The worst thing you can do is tidy it up for him. If he needs his mother to tidy it call her. If he’s untidy right through the place, get in a house keeper. You can always sell of some of the junk to pay for the cleaner… which means there’s less for you both to get concerned about…

Finally, if you husband’s a slob, you need to reassure yourself you’re probably contributing in some way. Don’t tidy up after him, you’re not his mother. Get some sensible filing/storage services, declutter the place, sell what you can, use the profits for home help, get a job, get a career, get a life, get over it or get a new husband.

Whatever you do, don’t wait for him to change, make the changes yourself. He’ll follow. Or not. It’s ok.

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