or, perhaps, a planarian…


I was chatting to my buddy Trevor the other day about how business metaphors are all about majestic animals – soar with the eagles, eye of the tiger, bull market, bear market, squirrel this, rhinoceros that – you know the story. I seem to remember that Ben Franklin wanted the USA national bird to be the turkey because he regarded them as fine, upstanding, and moral creatures (I’m putting words in to Ben’s mouth now); where as the bald eagle is – well, something of a bottom feeder on all counts. I wonder how far the wars of the last 100 years would’ve progressed if the national icon had been a turkey. Seems more in keeping with the Statue of Liberty as an icon of peace, prosperity, and independence. Back to Trevor – we agreed that there wasn’t much in the way of commentary or metaphors based on the real workers – the nobility of plankton, the helpfulness of yeasts etc. Who moved my cheese? doesn’t mention the work of the lacto-bacteria, no, not once. Bacteriaphiles should avoid the book from that perspective, however worthy it is from other perspectives.

Charles Schulz, via ‘Peanuts’ said, ‘Anthropomorphism is man’s worst sin.’ So, emboldened by Trevor (he doesn’t know this yet, but I’m sure he’ll be excited … fingers crossed) I urge all you alpha animals to (a) turn vegetarian (ok, optional extra), (b) stop with this racing with the rats, dancing with the wolves, swimming with the sharks (and/or dolphins), charging with the rhinos, soaring with the eagles, biting dogs with the dogs, clawing with the bears, goring with the bulls, or any one of the other crazy zoological ‘totems’; and instead search for zen and the daphnia. If you need to sound exotic, simply fix your business opponent with a beady eye, breathe deeply and then say, ‘I am trained in the Way of Odonata. Bring it on!’

This didn’t stop me trying to desperately help the Gold Compass with their viral marketing thing. I mean, virii are sort of almost bacteria. Well, they’re small anyway. I’m a sucker for a nice drawing and what the? Apparently out of the thousands of daemon animals mine is an ocelot. It must be true – how could they know – it must be fate – I always wanted a pet ocelot – or, more accurately, a margay. In between your swimming with the oh, good grief (see list above) you get to interact with my daemon and say how much the daemon is like me. Have a squiz, it makes more sense when you click on the link. But Pelagia? Thinks: sounds like a kind of shoe, or better, a brand of caviar. Best french accent: ‘Forgive me, my darling, can a press you with a little more … Pelagia?’ In fact, it’s a great brand name. Take it for a quick spin –

She looked so hot in her Pelagia as I rode up on my Pelagia. Her back to me, I could see the heels of her freshly shoplifted Pelagias were hardly scuffed. She turned, waved, finished the call and snapped her Pelagia closed, and dropped it in her shoulder Pelagia. “Probably shoplifted”, and she smiled as if to agree.

I’m happy to support Gold Compass (they depend on just me to do all their promotion for them) simply because the movie with that nice Aussie lass, Nicole. My heart goes out to her ever since I saw her in Moulin Rouge and I could see this hideous scar/deformity underneath her nose. No, not on her lip. Under her nose. Go look at the movie again. The other reason for my support is the movie looks visually grand, I would so love to be able to just up and fly (see also: Superman), and the thought of being in a world with talking polar bears? Bring it on!

And now, welcome traveler to this site – as a special get-acquainted offer, you can buy my new book, The Way of the Polar Bear, for just $US19.95. Assure yourself of a unique edge over your less zoo-enabled colleagues. At the very least, please, stop teaching those unfortunate elephants to dance. Ok? They hate it. They’d much prefer to be wild and free. You know, like those totem animals we keep reading about.

Nietzsche’s offered that man is a bridge between beast and the superman. The bridge, in this case, to my animal, was Dan Dixon at digitaldust. Thanks, Dan, sorry that I thought your animal was a raccoon. Honestly, when I arrived it was a tiger, and then it became a snow leopard… no, it was!

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